The End

So I finally reached the point at which I couldn't bs any longer. And thank god I was strong enough to do what was necessary. The 2 weeks of seperation really helped break the habit of having someone to cuddle with. This afternoon I'll blow up the air mattress and steal my good sheets back, that couch is killer on my back. Guess I'll keep it leaned up against a wall most of the time, and only take it down when needed. Have to get all the crap out of the living room first.

It does not compute that the last 5 years have all come down to this, to me just being a convenient warm body, nothing more. He told me that I could be any good friend of his, male or female, and he would have offered exactly what he offered me... he thought it would make me feel better, but man did that hurt. The entire conversation he just kept driving more and more nails in the coffin of my heart. I'm glad that I finally saw enough signs to convince myself that this is for real, not just another of his mixed messages of confused decisions. He spent 2 weeks in Hawaii and Alaska and didn't bring me back anything, didn't even let me have a piece of the chocolate he brought back from Alaska. When he got home, he had 4 days he could take off work, he took 2 off to go hang out with old friends, and then when I asked him to take a day off so we could spend it together doing something he refused. These are just examples, there have been many more signs lately that he doesn't give a damn about me. Yes, he watches out for me as a friend, but it's out of obligation or habit or some idea of his that it's the honorable thing to do, not because he cares.

He says he's a gentleman... it's one of the first things he'll tell you about himself... but he considers himself a "modern" gentleman. In other words, he considers it ok to use people, to hurt and confuse them for his own pleasure. I think the definition of a modern gentleman is weakness. It's not having the discipline to do the right thing, but instead going with your first reaction, letting your desires rule you, not your heart or your head. Twice in 6 months now he's done things that I never thought he'd be capable of doing, that I never thought he'd be so weak as to do. He's betrayed me and been dishonest with me more times than I can count since January. I cannot believe that Greg and Pat have so much in common, but they do. For the first time ever I'm so glad that Pat left Riddle, that things didn't work out between us, because I had no clue then that he would turn into this sort of person. Of course, maybe he wouldn't have, had things worked out, but we'll never know.

While he was away, I sat down and made a list of exactly what I want in a man. It was easier than I expected it would be, since I used movie characters to illustrate to myself what characteristics I find important. Here's what I came up with:
"These characters are all men with strong morals who believe in doing the right thing above all, although their personal interpretations of what is the "right thing" can vary, at least they are all true to their own beliefs. They all care deeply, about others, or about what is right. They are all highly intelligent. They all have those qualities that make natural leaders. They formulate and execute a plan or a vision to accomplish their goals. They are always doing interesting and exciting things.
I believe for me the most important factor is that they care. It is amazing and scary when I think about it, but there are so few people in this world who really honestly care deeply about someone or something. So many people just go bouncing through life, with no direction, and nothing to live for, nothing to give their life greater meaning, and never making a difference in the world. I want someone with that... I can't even think of a word, but that connection. To the past, to the future, to other people. Someone with a desire to leave the world better than it was when they found it, or to make the world a better place here and now. But there is another side to caring. I want someone who cares deeply about me, so that I can feel secure. If someone cared about me that deeply, then that eliminates all of my fears in life, because they would never hurt me, they would never lie to me, they would always protect me, they would be my safe haven, my security blanket, my port in a storm. To know, for a FACT, that someone else cares, really cares... is the most wonderful feeling in the world."

Pat's morals have weakened considerably since I last knew him, and I no longer believe that he is true to them anyway. He does not care deeply about anything as far as I have seen, and certainly not me. He is still highly intelligent, it might be nice if he used that intelligence a bit more. He has a plan but doesn't execute it that intelligently sometimes. He does some interesting and exciting things, but hasn't been very open to suggestions about other things to do.

A part of me wants to end this with some sort of "maybe it's just the stress of work" or "maybe he just needs some time alone" or some excuse like that, to give myself hope that all this will go away. But I don't think that's gonna happen, I think he's known for a long time just what he was doing. Hell, it's possible that the entire reason he invited me up here was for this. He's told me it wasn't, but of course that's what anyone would say. He no longer has any reason to be honest with me, I already know he's lied to me before. God what a fool I am.