I got the news this morning from David, my ex-roommate and good friend, that he's tested positive for TB. It's in his lungs. We don't know yet if he's infectious, it's highly unlikely (the stage of the disease that can be transmitted involves lots of flu-like symptoms, and then death), but the not knowing is tough. Even tougher is the realization that we have no idea who he could have gotten it from, or when. Heck, it's probably not possible, but I can't make myself ignore the possability that he got it from me. My roommate while I was working at Showalter was in poor health, neither she nor her Mom seemed concerned about anything being contagious, I'm not even sure what was wrong with her, but... you know how the mind works. Also, TB can be carried by animals, although it's very rare in domesticated species like cats. Statistically, there's a 1 in 10 chance that David could have passed TB on to me, and from there a 1 in 10 chance I could have passed it on to Pat. This is of course ignoring the fact that none of us have shown the least signs of the infectious variant of the disease. The good news is that Greg was tested when he joined the military, and is clean. So that means that David was not infectious while Greg was around (either didn't have TB at the time, or had the latent stage). I was only there another 4 to 5 months. The good news, the doctors seem confident that David has latent TB (they basically said since he's obviously not dying, he's safe). This still means that he's going to have to take pills for the rest of his life to control it so that it doesn't become active (unless in 5 years or so the DNA cure becomes available to humans), but other than that he can live a normal life (although if he were then to get HIV, he'd basically be a dead man). If this is the scenario, and I test negative, then I have nothing to worry about at all. If, however, he's got active TB... there's a 51% chance he'll die in a few weeks/months (probably lower, since that's a global figure), and even if I test negative they still recommend I follow the treatment, just in case it's just not showing yet. Greg would have to do the same. If I were positive for TB, then Pat is in the same shoes I'm in with David, he's gotta get himself tested, and pray that my test comes back as latent, not active.

All fear-mongering aside, as I said, we all feel healthy, none of us have been badly sick recently, and I've been in Seattle for 3 months now so *if* David had had active TB at any time while I was there then he should be dead or hospitalized by now, not planning a trip to Japan. As far as that scenario of my giving it to him, scientifically it's pure bs, only active TB can be transmitted, and that always has some sort of symptom, and is generally shotly followed by death... and as above, I've been apart from him for 3 months, and *I'm* not dead yet. Still tho, as Pat is fond of saying, finding you may be hanged in a fortnight does a wonderful job of focusing the mind. I'd never really considered the possability that I might someday contract a disease such as TB... and I never would have thought a friend as close to me as David is would either. He's a good guy, he doesn't have any of the "risky" or "bad" behavior traits you associate with this sort of thing... I mean I know it's not an STD but still it often gets lumped in the same sort of mental catagory, of things that if you're smart you can avoid. Turns out you can't. All it takes is being around someone when they cough of sneeze, or just being around them a lot and breathing and rebreathing the same air. *shudders* Well, in the interests of getting to sleep tonight, I'm going to go back to the "nobody is showing symptoms, there's practically no chance that any of us are infectious, which means only David should have it" routine. Which is true. Really.

Ok, this is really really cool. Check out www.writely.com, it's a new Google beta. Basically, it's Microsoft Word online, and what it allows you to do is store documents online to be accessible from anywhere, as well as write and edit with as many collaborators as you want, so everyone can work together on something. You can upload from any common document format, and export directly to a Blog or website. It's best feature in my opinion is that it saves your work every 10 seconds, and since it's online, even a BSOD : won't be able to corrupt the file or otherwise destroy it. God I love the things Google keeps coming up with J

Curses!

Alrighty, so I woke up this morning, switched on my PC, and it rather quickly became clear that my mobo is dead. I have tested 4 sticks of ram in it individually, it cannot pass POST no matter what. So now I need to either replace the mobo, which would cost about $80, or upgrade the PC completely, which would cost about $450. The choice looks obvious, except that there's no guarantee that a new mobo is all I need to get this fixed, there could easily be a problem with something else that I don't know about simply because the ram is the first problem it encounters as it tries to boot. Given my history with this PC, even tho I'm fairly confident a new mobo would fix it, I'm also fairly confident that something else would go wrong in very short order. I mean, this is a 4 year old PC we're talking about, which has been dropped, shocked, struck by lightning, used, abused, overclocked, underclocked, and shipped 3000 miles. Given the fact that I intend to use this PC for the USPS project that is starting up in September (the dual monitors will allow me to do twice the work in half the time that it took on that puny little laptop screen), I would like to be able to *know* that my PC is gonna be reliable for the duration of the project.

Also, historically, being able to purchase a first generation CPU, mobo, ram, and video card for anything under $800 is pretty darn rare, and right now you can get it all for less than $425. By first generation I mean the current newest and hottest stuff out there. My current NewEgg wishlist includes an AMD Athlon 64 3500+ Orleans Socket AM2 with HyperTransport, an MSI K9N Platinum nForce 570 Ultra motherboard, 1GB OCZ Gold DDR2 800 (PC2 6400), and an eVGA GeForce 7600GT 256mb PCI-E x16 SLI-capable graphics card. That kinda hardware has easily another 2 years of life left in it. I would probably get a new hard drive soon, say a 250GB SATA3.0 16mb cache drive for $65 or something ridiculous like that. After that tho... everything in my PC except the optical drives would all be top stuff. My new case and power supply that I got last Christmas are more than up to the challenge of a system like this, in fact it's what they are designed for. It's a very versatile and upgradeable system, AM2 is _the_ new socket, the idea behind it is to get rid of this whole 754/939/940 mess and standardize it again, plus it adds DDR2 support to AMD 64's. The mobo has plenty of PCI-E and PCI slots in every speed imaginable. Bah, bottom line tho, I can't afford it right this second. There is a chance that when I get my paycheck on Thursday, I may be able to order the parts this weekend and have the PC together within a week from now. If not, it'll have to wait until next weekend, which will mean 2.5 weeks without a PC.

While I was in the process of figuring all this out, I used up the last of the minutes on my phone, so I'll have to divert some funds to reload that so that work can reach me when necessary.

On the up side, I woke up this morning feeling much better about the world in general. Pat and I had a talk last night, and I probably owe him a bit of an apology for my last post. In all fairness, he didn't bring anything back from his trips for anyone else, and he hardly got himself anything at all (a couple of shot glasses and a t-shirt and 1 chocolate bar). As for that chocolate bar, he offered me a piece yesterday, before he read my blog. The rest is all pretty similar, and while from my point of view and put all together it looks bad, he never meant any of it that way.

We also talked about his last blog post, which was on July 12th, and indicated that while he is staying single for his own reasons, his heart doesn't want to be. I thought that the post might have indicated he had feelings for someone else, and if that were the case I was going to give them my blessing, but as it turns out it was about me. So, he does have feelings for me. However, he doesn't want a relationship right now, either short or long term. He also said that he thinks we wouldn't make that great of a couple, and pointed out some things I've done recently that he didn't like (such as pressing him about switching from margerine to butter when we were food shopping). To be perfectly honest, I only do stuff like that when I'm under a lot of emotional stress. Ever since I got up here he's been pretty wishy-washy about this whole relationship thing, so the whole time pretty much I haven't been at my best. Of course, it cuts both ways, I remember a debate we had about politics and world events in which he tried to say that Pakistan and Afghanistan don't share a common border, and that Pakistan has not been involved in the War on Terror at all. I of course held the opposite view, but since we didn't have an atlas handy we couldn't settle it, and that ended the discussion at a stalemate. I just checked, and those countries are next door neighbors and share a very large border with one another. Also, terrorists have been operating from both countries for decades, and the War on Terror has run operations in both. But that sort of thing is stupid and minor and if we were dating and he wanted to say that they don't share a border and the moon is red then I'd probably agree with him (maybe not right away, but if it seemed important to him, or was causing a big argument, then sure... hell when I was with Greg we got into arguments about religion all the time, many of which I let him win because that's what you do when you're in a relationship with someone, you compromise and keep the peace).

Oh well, long story short, I understand more now than I did 24 hours ago. It hasn't changed my plans at all, it's just made it a case of doing what I should do but not what I want to do. I want to do the same thing we've done the last 3 times we sat down and had a Relationship Talk, which is ask to please have another chance. But that only works short-term, because regardless of how he might feel about me, he's got at least that part of his life under rigid self control, and no matter how many chances I get, the end result is always going to be the same. It takes two to tango, and I've been trying to go it alone. That makes me sad, but not sad enough to depress me, because countering that is the fact that some part of his heart at least did have feelings for me. That makes everything that's happened ok, instead of it all being one huge mistake like I thought maybe it had been.

I don't think he grasps just how important the other person's feelings are to me... how I feel is completely irrelevant if the other person doesn't feel the same way, and how the other person feels is the difference between being a slut and being in a relationship. Had I known on the 12th that he was having second thoughts, I think things right now would be incredibly different. Second thoughts, or trying to stick to a plan, or just not wanting to overload yourself, WHILE HAVING FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE, are all things I can understand. They are all things that I can respect and live with. What I couldn't understand and couldn't respect and couldn't live with was if all this was happening and he felt nothing. Had I known he had feelings, there would have been no need for him to earn back my trust. Had I known he had feelings, and he had explained to me why he's staying single despite those feelings, we could easily have worked something out that we were both very happy with over a cup of hot chocolate at Victor's or something. Oh well. Regrets? Sure. But what's life without a few regrets, right?

Overall, today has definitly been a Good Day. Nothing great, in fact bad things have happened, but they all offer chances for better things in the future, and that's all I need to be happy.

The End

So I finally reached the point at which I couldn't bs any longer. And thank god I was strong enough to do what was necessary. The 2 weeks of seperation really helped break the habit of having someone to cuddle with. This afternoon I'll blow up the air mattress and steal my good sheets back, that couch is killer on my back. Guess I'll keep it leaned up against a wall most of the time, and only take it down when needed. Have to get all the crap out of the living room first.

It does not compute that the last 5 years have all come down to this, to me just being a convenient warm body, nothing more. He told me that I could be any good friend of his, male or female, and he would have offered exactly what he offered me... he thought it would make me feel better, but man did that hurt. The entire conversation he just kept driving more and more nails in the coffin of my heart. I'm glad that I finally saw enough signs to convince myself that this is for real, not just another of his mixed messages of confused decisions. He spent 2 weeks in Hawaii and Alaska and didn't bring me back anything, didn't even let me have a piece of the chocolate he brought back from Alaska. When he got home, he had 4 days he could take off work, he took 2 off to go hang out with old friends, and then when I asked him to take a day off so we could spend it together doing something he refused. These are just examples, there have been many more signs lately that he doesn't give a damn about me. Yes, he watches out for me as a friend, but it's out of obligation or habit or some idea of his that it's the honorable thing to do, not because he cares.

He says he's a gentleman... it's one of the first things he'll tell you about himself... but he considers himself a "modern" gentleman. In other words, he considers it ok to use people, to hurt and confuse them for his own pleasure. I think the definition of a modern gentleman is weakness. It's not having the discipline to do the right thing, but instead going with your first reaction, letting your desires rule you, not your heart or your head. Twice in 6 months now he's done things that I never thought he'd be capable of doing, that I never thought he'd be so weak as to do. He's betrayed me and been dishonest with me more times than I can count since January. I cannot believe that Greg and Pat have so much in common, but they do. For the first time ever I'm so glad that Pat left Riddle, that things didn't work out between us, because I had no clue then that he would turn into this sort of person. Of course, maybe he wouldn't have, had things worked out, but we'll never know.

While he was away, I sat down and made a list of exactly what I want in a man. It was easier than I expected it would be, since I used movie characters to illustrate to myself what characteristics I find important. Here's what I came up with:
"These characters are all men with strong morals who believe in doing the right thing above all, although their personal interpretations of what is the "right thing" can vary, at least they are all true to their own beliefs. They all care deeply, about others, or about what is right. They are all highly intelligent. They all have those qualities that make natural leaders. They formulate and execute a plan or a vision to accomplish their goals. They are always doing interesting and exciting things.
I believe for me the most important factor is that they care. It is amazing and scary when I think about it, but there are so few people in this world who really honestly care deeply about someone or something. So many people just go bouncing through life, with no direction, and nothing to live for, nothing to give their life greater meaning, and never making a difference in the world. I want someone with that... I can't even think of a word, but that connection. To the past, to the future, to other people. Someone with a desire to leave the world better than it was when they found it, or to make the world a better place here and now. But there is another side to caring. I want someone who cares deeply about me, so that I can feel secure. If someone cared about me that deeply, then that eliminates all of my fears in life, because they would never hurt me, they would never lie to me, they would always protect me, they would be my safe haven, my security blanket, my port in a storm. To know, for a FACT, that someone else cares, really cares... is the most wonderful feeling in the world."

Pat's morals have weakened considerably since I last knew him, and I no longer believe that he is true to them anyway. He does not care deeply about anything as far as I have seen, and certainly not me. He is still highly intelligent, it might be nice if he used that intelligence a bit more. He has a plan but doesn't execute it that intelligently sometimes. He does some interesting and exciting things, but hasn't been very open to suggestions about other things to do.

A part of me wants to end this with some sort of "maybe it's just the stress of work" or "maybe he just needs some time alone" or some excuse like that, to give myself hope that all this will go away. But I don't think that's gonna happen, I think he's known for a long time just what he was doing. Hell, it's possible that the entire reason he invited me up here was for this. He's told me it wasn't, but of course that's what anyone would say. He no longer has any reason to be honest with me, I already know he's lied to me before. God what a fool I am.

SeaFair Warbird Pics!

P-51, banking in the sunlight, note the polished and unpolished areas of the wings, now that'd be fun to do on a model using metalizer ;)

P-40 looking sleek and shark-like.

P-47, the "Jug".

So f-ugly on the ground, yet so graceful in the air. 

SeaFair Blues Pics!

Fat Albert, making an exit to my left.

Fat Albert doing his high speed low pass for the crowd.

The Blues in perfect formation (as usual).

The show was definitly "on the deck", but not low enough to throw up rooster tails ;) 

SeaFair Plans

Today at work, while we were walking between buildings, we got overflown by three warbirds in close V formation, flying straight down the neighboring highway. The first one to catch my attention was the P-47, an aircraft I have only seen fly one other time. At the same time my brain recognized the P-51, so common yet so beautiful. The third aircraft I couldn't identify, it had a wing like a Dauntless but was a small aircraft, even smaller than the Mustang. It turns out that it was a P-40. Doh! I should have recognized it, but the thought never even entered my head, probably because I think that's the first time I've seen a P-40 in flight. So that was totally awesome, it sounded soooooo pretty, one gigantic 2000hp radial flanked by 2 slightly less powerful inlines, and their formation was VERY good, nice and tight. I wish I'd gotten to see them for more than a couple seconds, it was over way too soon.

Anyway, later in the day, I was unplugging a computer and the guy who works in that cubicle was still there, and just to strike up conversation he asked if I was going to SeaFair. Well, we started chatting, and come to find out he's a pilot, and owns a boat on Lake Washington, and will be going out Saturday to be on the lake during the airshow. And he's invited me to come along. Now, I'll admit to having second thoughts about going out alone on a boat with 7 people I don't know, but c'mon... he's a pilot, it's SeaFair, there'll be people and boats everywhere, and what an experience that would be. So I think I'm gonna go. I wish Pat would be home in time to come with me, but I doubt he will. I'll check with my other local friends, just in case.

Usurper ;)

Well, in the course of 2 days at work I went from the total newbie to replacing a girl who'd been with the team for months. And no, she hasn't chosen to leave, the boss has made that decision for her. Primarily because I'm around now. In truth, it started because of her drama-queen attitude when Shane decided to let me pick up an extra hour of work since I live 2 blocks from their Bothell campus. Oh, and he also picked me for Red Hat on Monday, which is an extra 8 hours that she normally gets. When she found all this out, she got upset and whiny, and Shane just didn't wanna deal with it. He said she probably feels threatened by me because I'm another of those rare creatures, a female tech. I think she's just a prissy drama-queen who knows a LOT more about being a tech than I do but who doesn't have the ability to get along with the guys that I have. By the end of my fourth day, Shane and Dana and I made such a comfortable team that there was much laughing and joking, and many pranks (for one thing, Dana stuck tape on my back, so I ripped it off and stuck it in his hair). Shane constantly made comments that Dana and I were making him feel old, and that he wouldn't trust us alone in a room together. Of course, he usually made these comments immediatly before leaving us alone in a room together, so meh ;) Dana's pretty cool, despite the fact that I often have to ask him to repeat himself. He was born and raised in Seoul, S. Korea, and despite having been in the military his enunciation still isn't what I could wish. This weekend it'll be just Shane and Tim and I, there's only about 150 PC's to be moved and Dana had "stuff" to do. Tim's an older guy who worked for (and striked against) Boeing, among other things. He has a few interesting stories, but I wouldn't say we really get along. I'm hoping I'll either be on my own most of this weekend, or be able to hang out with Shane. We still have a lot to discuss of Sci-Fi books and miniatures games... oh! I gotta remember to bring in a couple of my painted 'Mechs. We didn't finish watching Serenity on Monday either, but we won't have a chance to finish that up until Red Hat.

Pat called tonight (amazing that they got service!), it sounds like he's having a blast on his Alaska cruise. He listed a few of the critters he's gotten to see, and I'm very very jealous. I was hoping he could give me a time when he'd be getting home, what with Sea Fair this weekend, work, and some cooking I want to do once I get my paycheck, things are gonna be busy, but I'd hate to not be here to say hi. Oh well, it's not like he'll only be home for 2 hours this time ;)

Stormy is telling me to go to bed, and while I'd like to play some more Thief: Deadly Shadows, I think there are undead in this next mission, and I don't feel like getting spooked tonight.

Oh! I forgot. I signed up with Stardust, to help scientists locate the interstellar dust picked up by the Stardust mission. I've done about 60 "real" images/movies, and I've found definite dust particles in 2 of them, with another few probables. I'm also like 19/20 of the test movies (the only one I missed, it was a slanted track, and I didn't think it was one but they said to mark anything that MIGHT be something, so I did, and it turned out to be a test, not real, and I was wrong). I'd like to get all 3 certificates... one is for completing the training (which I did 10/10), another is for doing 100 movies (which I can easily get) and the last is for getting in the top 100 (which will get exponentially harder the longer it takes, so I really wanna sit down tomorrow and crank a buncha these out, to get to the top 100 right now I'd have to finish about 300 movies). So that's incredibly fun/cool, thanks to Jen for pointing me to it :)

I guess that wraps things up pretty much. I'm quite proud of usurping this spot on the crew, and it feels doubly good because it means I'll get the maximum hours possible from this job, since I'm near the top (probably only Dana is higher) of Shane's list of who he wants to work with.